Bathroom Etiquette

Bathroom Etiquette

Freshly back from the Folk Festival, I feel the time is right to address a subject dear to my heart. One for which I feel education is sadly lacking among the general population. This is the matter of how to behave in public bathroom facilities.

One runs into examples of bad bathroom etiquette in many public places – schools, art galleries, shopping malls, theatres, sports venues – but few places are so rife with bad behaviour as the outdoor music festival.

In locations with public flush toilets, it is not uncommon to find that people have not flushed. I struggle to comprehend the mindset behind this. Why would you not flush? Are you anxious to exhibit your business to the next toilet user? Is it simple laziness and complete disregard for the rest of the human race? Really, I would like to understand. I get it that some people live by an environmentally friendly motto – if it's yellow, let it mellow, if it's brown, flush it down – and that is lovely in your own home. More power to you. But are you keen on having some stranger's pee splash your butt while you are using the facilities? Perhaps they are so germ-phobic they cannot stand to touch the flush handle. You are going to wash your hands right away, aren't you? Well, aren't you? So what's the big deal? Germ-phobia is a subject for another rant.

What about those people who drop toilet paper on the floor and don't pick it up and put it in the toilet or garbage? What's up with that? It's your toilet paper. Deal with it. Don't leave it for the next person to cope with.

These are things that drive me mad in public washrooms. Now consider the outdoor music festival. Thousands of people are eating and drinking and using a bunch of porta-potties. Ok. Nothing to flush. Nothing can be done about that. But really... the things I have seen in the past five days make my skin crawl.

So, just for those who find themselves in a situation where they must use mass outdoor toileting facilities, here is a handy list of dos and don'ts.

1. If you pee on the seat, wipe it up. And if you are a guy, use the urinal and aim carefully. If you are too drunk or stoned to trust your aim, have a seat and aim down. I went into one outhouse this weekend where someone had not lifted the lid, but instead peed all over it. And all over the bench, and the floor. Backing out now and waiting for another stall to come free.
2. If you drop toilet paper on the floor, pick it up and put it in the toilet. No one wants to have to negotiate nasty toilet paper all over the place.
3. Do not pee all over the stack of available toilet paper. This seems like a no-brainer, but I have seen cases where a whole spindle of rolls of toilet paper is soaking wet and suspicious smelling. Why would anyone do that? It is incomprehensible.
4. Turn the knob to lock the door and indicate the outhouse is in use. It is surprising how many people find this technology too much for them. It's a plastic handle, people, a quarter turn can save you and others from deeply awkward situations.
5. Do not, under any circumstances, smear excrement (poop, for those who have difficulty with big words) on the walls. Or the toilet seat, or anywhere else. This really should go without saying. But it needs to be said. I don't care if it's dark. I don't care how high you are, or what you are on. It's not cool. End of story.
6. Don't play with the toilet paper. TP is at a premium in these situations and it is horrifying to find you are in a stall with none that is useable. You must not unroll the toilet paper and toss it around. Again, I don't care how stoned you are. Just don't do it.
7. Take a flashlight, or even better, a head-lamp (available at Canadian Tire, major retailers of outdoor gear, and even dollar stores) once it starts getting dark. Remember, it will be much darker inside the porta-potty. This will help you negotiate the intricacies of toilet seat, urinal, toilet paper, and all the other complex issues you may find in there. Plus, you want to see what hideous thing the previous user left for you to encounter, don't you? So you can avoid it...
8. Women, if you have your period, do make sure your feminine hygiene product and wrappings go down the hole. Not on the bench. Not in the urinal. Not on the floor. Honey, I don't know you and I want nothing to do with your blood.
9. If you bring anything into the porta-potty, make sure you take it with you when you leave. No one wants to trip over your beer can, backpack, or whatever. And you probably want to hang on to your backpack or purse.
10. Use the hand sanitizer when you leave the facility. You will find sanitizer dispensers located on posts in front of the bank of porta-potties. It's a nice thing to do for your own health and all the other humans you may encounter.

I got into the habit last year of bringing a lot of toilet paper to the festival. I take a roll with me when I go into the outhouse. If there is toilet paper there, I take mine away with me. If there is none, I leave mine behind for the next few people who come along. The folks who look after the porta-potties are doing their best, but there are so many people and so many units, it is hard for them to keep up. Especially when people using the units do really disgusting things. And it really is awful to find you have none and no friend outside to yell to to find you some. I noticed this year some other people are doing the same. Rolls of paper that did not match the standard issue were showing up from time to time. And I say “YAY! Yay for those people looking after each other!”

In general, people at Folk Fest are among the most decent and wonderful people you could meet anywhere. But some seem to lose track of their humanity when the porta-potty door closes. You are not an ape, flinging feces around (poop, again). You are a person. So is everyone else who will follow you in using the facility. Be kind to them. Be considerate. Clean up after yourself. Everyone will appreciate the effort.